No Stopping Perpetual Motion

I wear a lot of hats. Most of the time I just look silly in them. One of my disguises is Professor Scientiphik, the world’s most awesome Science Brain. I’d call myself “The Science Guy,” but Bill Nye already beat me to it.

Recently I received an email from Jalisco Wombat III. It seems the good Mr. Wombat has a plan to make us both very rich.

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

Jalisco Wombat IIIWhat would you say if I told you I have a million dollar idea involving perpetual motion?

Thanks,
Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Tell me more.

Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

A body in motion tends to stay in motion, right? Newton was trying to tell us something. The secret is hiding in plain sight. I mean, after all, he had to hide it or the Inquisition would have had him looking like Pinhead from that Hellraiser movie. That was a day’s entertainment to the Inquisitors. But I digress. The secret is in that gadget with the steel balls that Newton invented. You know, the one where you hit four balls with the outside ball and the energy is transferred to the farthest ball, and back again so they never stop moving? Are you getting the picture?

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

NewtonLeeanne

Newton’s Cradle by Leeanne Middleton

You mean one of these? It’s called Newton’s Cradle. Although it’s quite amazing, it’s not a perpetual motion machine. After a minute or two the balls stop moving.
Respectfully,
Professor Scientiphik


Dear Professor Scientiphik:

Of course the balls stop. I knew that. That’s where you come in. You see, if you can get those balls to keep moving, we can make millions of dollars. What do you suppose could keep those balls in a state of perpetual excitation?  You do want to make millions of dollars, right?

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Of course I want to make millions of dollars. As to keeping balls in a state of perpetual excitation, that’s a delicate subject. After all, I just barely know you.

Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

Please take this seriously. Millions of dollars are at stake!

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Okay. I’ve given some serious thought to your question. Here is the answer.

Bardot

Excitedly,
Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

Now you’re starting to annoy me. I could take my million dollar idea to someone else.

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Sorry about that. My mother used to always ask me, “Can’t you take anything seriously?” To which I would always make a very cliche clucking sound and shake my head thoughtfully. Then she’d say, “You hear that sound? That’s a screw loose in your head.”

Nostalgically,
Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

Do you want to hear it or not?

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Hear what?

Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

My million dollar idea. Do you want to hear it?

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

Actually, I can’t hear it unless you call me on the phone, but since I’m not about to give you my telephone number, I guess I won’t be able to hear you. Do you have a balcony? You could stand out on the balcony and scream really loud. Better yet, you could go to the top of the highest mountain and shout your idea. If the wind is right I might just hear something.

Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientifik:

Don’t be a smartass. Nobody loves a smartass. But okay, here’s my idea. I’m only sharing it with you because I can’t do this myself. I need the mighty mind powers of a super scientist like yourself. Here’s the deal. You get those balls to remain in a state of perpetual excitation. Then we harvest the energy. We’ll give free energy to the world, and it will make us rich!

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

If we’re going to just give the world free energy, how will that make us rich? Don’t we have to sell it to make any money?

Perplexedly,
Professor Scientiphik

Dear Professor Scientiphik:

You do have a valid point. Giving away free energy is not a very lucrative endeavor. We need to sell something. I’ve got it! A magazine subscription. Subscribe to Free Energy Magazine for just $100 a year, and we’ll provide you with free energy to meet all your needs. Or we invent a new kind of TV set that we can just beam the free energy to, and everyone who buys the set for the low price of $3,999 can get free energy for as long as the TV set continues operating. Yes, that’s what we’ll do, and we’ll broadcast our own science show, Professor Scientiphik, that will make Bill Nye the Science Guy look like grade school stuff.

So what do you think, Professor Scientiphik? Can you keep those balls humming along?

Jalisco Wombat III

Dear Mr. Wombat:

What a brilliant idea. I can’t wait to get it started. My twelve-year-old nephew has donated $11 to get the ball (or balls) rolling. I have solved the problem of free energy through perpetual motion. You are a genius! I couldn’t have done this without you.

The solution is below.

Gratefully,
Professor Scientiphik
NewtonLeeanne2Head

Excerpt from novel in progress: Indigo Dawn

Beyond the firmament, explosions of plasma cleaved the darkness in a vast, cataclysmic storm. Here spiral galaxies spun like fiery pinwheels into the sizzling energies of creation, and blinding neon rainbows tore across the borders between limitless dimensions. Here stood a gateway where dimensional crossroads met and merged into one, like soap bubbles joined by the thinnest veneer of swirling plasma. Here. in a space/time pocket far beyond the dreams or nightmares of Earth and Her people, Haj had been standing guard since time immemorial.

At this unlikely junction, the division became thin enough to cross. There was no actual physical point of entry; the gate existed in all places and times at once – just as Haj did. To the human eye, Haj was a profoundly autistic boy locked inside his own head. To those who could see, Haj was a guardian and protector, a shifter of frequencies standing like a levee against a tide of unrelenting strangeness.

A look into Haj’s eyes was a glimpse into eternity. Those who met his gaze felt a brief disorientation, then a plunge through stars, directly into the very heart of being. Through Haj’s eyes, they had come to know themselves more deeply. Through Haj’s eyes, the Universe seemed almost orderly. Unfortunately, very few had been given the privilege of looking into those eyes. Haj tended his inner landscape without taking notice of most people; but in the luminous pathways of the Indigo Net, Haj graced many with the gift of his gaze. He had become legend among the Indigos.

Excerpt from novel in progress: Indigo Dawn

THE NORTH SEA
Anyone who has spent time on the sea at night has felt the thrill of strangeness, as the moon danced on swells and whitecaps all the way to the horizon. Even from the safety of the shore, the ocean calls in a voice at once familiar and alien. Creatures mythical and modern haunt the deeps, from Kraken to Leviathan to the great white shark. Even at the shoreline, the ocean covets its mysteries, but out on the belly of the sea, beneath a blanket of moonlight, all the rules change.

Even after two years on the oilrig, the ocean’s melodies still haunted Winter. Night after night in the middle of the North Sea, the ocean sang Her siren song, calling Winter by name. While the riggers drank “near beer” and shared stories in the galley, Winter prowled the deck alone, a white specter yearning to walk that shimmering moonbeam highway to realms of beauty and terror. He ached to walk on nameless, misty shores in search of the flame-haired enchantress he saw in his dreams. She was like the sea, beautiful and treacherous, alluring and deadly. Just her voice could freeze the blood of lesser men, but Winter always sensed he was more than mortal. In the endless nights he prowled the decks in search of Her, wondering if it were She, not the ocean, who called his name.

“Winter?”

He spun in the direction of the voice. It was Valo, the only person on the rig he called a close friend. Valo stepped up beside him and looked out into the shimmering void. For a few minutes the two men stood in silence, soaking in the eerie splendor of the moonlit whitecaps. Shreds of clouds were drifting in from the north, shrouding the moon in phantom vapors. Winter shivered.

“Can you feel it?” Valo whispered. “A storm is coming.”

Winter could see his breath as the air grew cold. Lightning glowed in the distance, soon followed by a low complaint of thunder.

–From Indigo Dawn by Hank Eder

It’s a bird, it’s a plane…No, it’s Figurative Language Man!

Seems I’ve gone into the Superhero business. Figurative Language Man takes to the skies like a pelican with vertigo, fighting the good fight to make writing sparkle like sunlight on a mountain lake.

Okay. I hear you. That’s as corny as a hushpuppy. Maybe, but I have your attention pinned like a bad wrestler. So I’ll get right to the point. Why should you use figurative language? It paints pictures in your reader’s minds.

Let’s look at four types of figurative language: Simile, metaphor, personification, and hyperbole. Wait! Before you run screaming into the night, I promise to make it simple.

SIMILE
Simile is a comparison using “like” or “as.” For example, his eyes were as hard as cats eye marbles. See? We just took two fairly unlike things and magically combined them into a simile. Similes can really pop off the page. Don’t just say that someone is not trustworthy. Instead try, “He is as treacherous as a snake.”

At all costs, avoid the dreaded adverb (see above posts). “He ate hungrily” is both boring and redundant. Try this instead: “He devoured his meal like a Hoover Wind Tunnel.”

Also, avoid clichés. Use similes that pair unlikely comparisons. For example, “The girl grinned like a coyote with a mouthful of cactus spikes.”  Now you’re getting it!

METAPHOR
Some folks find metaphors more confusing. They are a colorful way of comparing, like similes, but they eliminate the middlemen (like or as).  Here are a few examples:

•  Her eyes are precious emeralds.
•  His pitching arm is a mighty catapult.
•  He’s a knife in the back to his enemies.
•  That mutt is a walking stink bomb!

Be creative. Don’t be afraid to use wild comparisons. Your readers will thank you for it. Just yesterday I got the following email:

“Dear Figurative Language Man,
Thank you for using such strong metaphors. I especially love the boy vomiting  a waterfall. Will you marry me?”
–Simma Lee

But just so you don’t set your expectations too high, not everyone is as dazzling as Figurative Language Man. You have to take it in bite-sized pieces. It took me more than 50 years to get marriage proposals from my blinding prose, and I can’t even use them. My wife won’t let me.

PERSONIFICATION
This is a “fifty-cent” word. Say it at parties so everyone can see how literate you are. Look a girl or guy in the eyes and say, “You are the personification of perfection.” See if that doesn’t melt a heart or two.

But what, exactly is personification? Put simply, it’s giving human qualities to things that are not human. And no, I don’t mean politicians. I mean things that actually are not human, like trees, rocks, forces of nature, and more.

Some examples of personification:
•  The flower opened her petals and smiled at me.
•  The trees tangoed in the wind.
•  The mountains, dressed in their winter cloaks, have receding hairlines.

HYPERBOLE

The easiest way to describe hyperbole is an extreme exaggeration to the point of humor. All “Yo Mama” jokes are hyperbole. We’ve all heard these. “Yo mama so fat that when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.” Or “Yo mama so hairy she uses Carpet Fresh for underarm deodorant.”

More examples of hyperbole:
•  Your nose is so big, a bird could build a nest on it.
•  Are those your ears, or are you wearing bowling trophies on the sides of your head?
•  He has enough dandruff to powder a white Christmas tree!

So there you have it. Practice the art of figurative language and your writing will shine like bling at a mall kiosk. Who knows? You might even get marriage proposals like Figurative Language Man.

So keep on writing. The more you do, the better you become. Until next time, metaphors be with you!

Can cliches kill? You can bet the farm on it!

No cliches

Clichés can kill your writing faster than you can say, "One fell swoop..."

Aah-ite! If there’s one thing I find even more annoying than pronouncing “all right” this way, it’s gratuitous use of clichés. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts you hear them everyday. They’re as common as flies on poop! In fact, they’ve become so ubiquitous, our ears are becoming numb to their presence. What does this say about folks who toss clichés around like fairy dust? What does this say about all of us?

Ever kill two birds with one stone? Or clean them out in one fell swoop? I don’t know about you, but I never keep my eggs in a basket. They sit in their cozy cartons in the fridge. They’re on the shelf just under the butter and right next to the clichés.

Just like that fridge, our brains are like automated cold storage devices, with shelf after shelf of accumulated thoughts and ideas. Some ideas are edgy and fresh, while some are as stale as last week’s milk. It’s time to rearrange our mental shelves and toss out some of the spoiled verbiage we’ve collected.

“But I like that cliché,” I hear you saying. “It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and surely everyone will recognize it and be comforted by its familiarity.”

Not so fast! What does familiarity breed? Not prize roses. But here I go having to use a cliché to explain why we should eschew clichés!

Let’s look at this from the point of view of an agent or publisher considering investing time. money, or both into your literary gem. Your opening “hook” is magnificent. She’s hungry for more. Her eyes tear at paragraph two and are slammed by the commonest of clichés. Her breathing slows, her eyes glaze over, her ears fill up with wax,  and she chucks your masterpiece into the slush pile.

Why do clichés invoke such a strong reaction? Simple. They represent a commonness of thought. What agent or publisher wants to represent common thoughts? Chances are good if you have a cliché right there on page one, you probably have them strewn about like unexploded land mines all throughout your work. Let’s face it, choice of common words or phrases indicates a lukewarm or common intellect. It’s a real deal-killer!

Even some of the devices we use to spice up our writing can be hackneyed and cliché. For example everyone knows (and I do speak for everyone!) that use of simile and metaphor can make your descriptions really pop. That is, unless your similes and metaphors are worn out clichés.

Here are some examples:

Similes
The track star ran like the wind.
The old cur dog is ugly as sin.
The diva sings like a canary.
The deputy is as dumb as a box of rocks.

Metaphors
She’s a brick house.
He’s a real dog (unless you’re referring to Old Yeller).
She’s the apple of my eye.
He’s a real live wire.
You’re all that and a bag of chips.

Elderly mother

Yes, Mom can proofread for you, provided she is educated and can recognize a cliché..

So what’s the best way to exorcise the cliché demons in your writing? Try a two-fold approach. First, show your work to someone whose opinion you value. Yes, it can be your mother, provided she is educated and knows how to spot a cliché. Second, let your work sit on the shelf for a few weeks, then when you go back to it, you will see it with fresh eyes.

When you or your mother find worn-out clichés in your work, show no mercy! Remove them immediately. Send them to Bit Heaven and don’t look back. Then find some unique way of expressing yourself. Be bold and daring. What’s more unique — a rumble of thunder or a complaint of thunder? Train yourself in the art of “convergent divergence.” That means take concepts that don’t seem connected, and make them seem like they’ve always been together.  Put them in a blender and spin out some traffic-stopping similes.

For example:

John sat alongside the road like a bucket of old paint.
The spider’s webbing stuck to Ely’s finger like a radioactive booger. (Forgive the 16 years I spent teaching middle school!)
Brittany grabbed the football player like a famished Venus fly trap.

Now you’re getting the spirit. So don’t just sit there like an elephant’s used  facial tissue. Start cranking out your masterpiece without using worn-out clichés. Even your mother will love you more!

Until next time, may your similes shine and your metaphors move. Happy writing!

New flash fiction at my website

Check out the flash fiction story, “Siren Song,” at my website: http://www.atapcreations.com/stories.html

Please feel free to send me some feedback.

More “can’t-live-without” tidbits and Deep Insights into the writing life coming soon!

More on adverbs and a way to find paying markets

Following My Own Advice
A few days ago I was preparing an excerpt from a novel in progress for submission to a writer’s grant. Before I sent it out, I wanted it to be the very best example of my work. I decided to take my own advice (see the “vivid verbs” entry below) and eliminate adverbs in favor of stronger verbs.

Here’s what I did: I used the “find” command to search for “ly.” It’s amazing how many adverbs I found in my 49-page excerpt. Then each time an adverb popped up, I deleted it and used meatier verbs or other forms of description.

For example, I found a sentence that read, “Kenny looked at Gema suspiciously.”  After I finished yawning at the plainness of this, I came up with the following fix: “Kenny looked at Gema, his eyes bloated with suspicion.”  In this example, the verb “looked” was adequate, but following it with an observation about his eyes really made the sentence sing.

So I urge you to try this exercise. Run your masterpiece through the “find” command and search for the “ly” words. You’ll be amazed at how much power you can add to your writing.

Finding Paying Markets
In my last entry I promised to share a great tool for finding paying markets. It’s called “Duotrope’s Digest.” It’s an ingenious search engine, in which you enter your parameters, and it returns a list of paying markets for your work.

Use this great search box to find paying markets

Begin by going to: http://www.duotrope.com

You will be taken to the search window (example on left), where you type in your criteria.  For example, under Genre, type “Science Fiction” or “Romance,” according to what you like to write. Choose your length, pay scale, medium, etc., then hit “Search” and in seconds you’ll have a list of markets that will accept your submissions. It couldn’t be any easier.

At this time, Duotrope is free, but they accept donations to keep them running. Try out their service and then don’t be stingy. Drop a few dollars their way as a thank you for all their trouble.

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, may you follow your bliss into the clouds and soar on wings of storytelling power!